Uh oh PMT…

Ok. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I’ve had to a lot to process and a lot of changes to go through. Generally I’m in a really good place, I reunited with my boyfriend from school and we fell in love (awww 😂), I’ve managed to get a part-time job and whilst it’s hard physically it means that I can feed and insure my pets and pay some rent.

However, right now I’ve got PMT. BAD PMT. I’ve got the rage and anxiety, big time.

Generally my anxiety has massively decreased since I split up with my husband – I didn’t realise quite how bad that relationship was for my mental health, whilst I was in it. I knew it was bad but I just came to think of it as normal. But there was a lot of gaslighting going on and other horrible behaviour.

I’ve had a bad cold this week and that plus my usual chronic illnesses, plus work, plus PMT has made a delightful cocktail of severe grumps and anxiety. Just shoot me.

I keep having nightmares that I’m back with my ex, nothing horrendous happens, it’s just day to day life (my dreams are normally pretty mundane), but it triggers horrible anxiety. All those feelings come flooding back like I’m back there and it’s still going on.

I know I have to break that cycle and not get drawn into the analysis but I’m so resentful that I spent 11 years with someone who was pretending to be someone they weren’t and they were blaming me for that and blaming me for them not being able to do what they wanted to do. I didn’t ask him to lie about who or what he was – he did that. He did it with the intention of getting me. But why? What is the point? He clearly wasn’t happy so what is the point? I don’t understand people.

I feel so angry that he duped me. So angry that he wasted my time. I could have had babies, or at least have been with someone who wanted them too and/or was honest about what they wanted. So angry that he was so horrible to me and would scream horrible, angry things at me and use everyone single one of my vulnerabilities against me. I didn’t deserve that.

There was a really traumatic incident that happened to him fairly early on in our relationship that affected us both badly and I feel that he would use that trauma to excuse some of his behaviours and because he knew I wouldn’t leave him if it was trauma related.

I know these emotions aren’t good for me and they aren’t serving any positive intention, I know I have to let them go but I’m struggling to know how to. Generally I’m in a really good place, my relationship is healthy, open and honest and I’ve speaking to him about all of this; it’s just that right now the hormone monster has a grip of me. I’m hoping that getting this out here will be cathartic and help me shed the dread 🤪


More intrusive thoughts…

This is a copy of a Facebook status that I wrote. It seemed to help some people and I got a few private messages. Talking helps, you’re not alone.

“OCD is like a bully, it gives you intrusive thoughts and images that can be truly distressing. Then you freak out and panic about how on earth *your* brain can conjure up such horrible stuff and you panic more and start to question if it’s some kind of unconscious desire or character trait (spoiler: it’s not).

That panic and self loathing then feeds the OCD and the cycle continues.

Silence is OCD’s favourite dish, with a side of shame.

I’ve found that by talking about my intrusive thoughts it takes the power away from OCD and gives it back to me. I won’t be silenced by this little prick any more.

I know the thoughts aren’t real, they aren’t my wishes and that it has been proven that these kinds of intrusive thoughts and images are the exact opposite of the OCD sufferer’s true nature – that’s exactly why it’s so horrendous for the sufferer and why the OCD cycle continues.

So, with that, I had an OCD nightmare last night. I had a baby, anyone who knows me knows how much I always wanted a baby. This baby was a girl and she was beautiful. I kept pinching her. I kept doing things to hurt her and make her cry. Fucking horrible, right? Literally the opposite of anything I would ever do to a baby.

But – I’m *not* distressed. I’m *not* questioning my brain, my sanity, my safety around babies. I won’t give OCD that power. It’s not real. I love babies.

If you ever have thoughts like this, about anything, please know that you’re not alone and you’re certainly not bad, evil or insane. My inbox is always open and it’s confidential, anyone can talk to me at any time, you’re not alone 💖”

Autism, sadness and processing differences

This was originally my Facebook status but I decided to copy it over here. It’s been written because I’ve been going through something really sad, but I’m ok. No one can seem to understand how I can be ok with this and not in a puddle on the floor. I did cry, I was a mess, but now I’m not. This has been a long time coming and what happened was a sure fire way of stopping my feelings dead (I think I’ll need to write further on this at some point).

So, I am ok and that’s ok! {^_^}
Here it is:

Some think that Autism Awareness is enough, they can’t see or understand the difference between that and Autism Acceptance. There is a big difference.

Autism Awareness means you’ve heard about Autism, you might even know a little about it, or have an Autistic friend or relative. That’s about as involved as it can be, on a basic level. You may or may not be pro-cure (although I’d hope you’d be anti-cure if you’re on my friend list).

Autism Acceptance is pretty literal – it means that you accept Autistic behaviour; you accept Autistic actions; you accept Autistic thought processes; you accept Autistic processing differences and so on. You accept Autistic people for who they are and don’t want to change them and don’t make them feel the need to mask their differences.

We process things really differently to allistic people (non autistic people), but that doesn’t make us wrong, bad or less; we’re just different and that should be embraced by everyone, including autistic people. Don’t expect the same reactions you’d have, if you’re allistic, it’s not going to happen (unless there’s masking going on).

Let us be, let us process in our own way, if even it seems alien to you (you seem alien to us too 😜).

Rare Disease Day 🎉

Happy Rare Disease Day! Said no one ever. 😂😂😂

I know this blog is called Hankie’s Brain but today I’m going to write about my (decrepit) body… 
I’ve got 2 rare diseases (that have been identified so far…), the 1st is called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Type and the 2nd is called Ankylosing Spondylitis. Fun, huh? 

The 1st time I remember chronic pain being an issue was when I was around 13 years old. I went to the Dr’s who referred me to a Rheumatologist. After some blood tests they said I had Raynaud’s Syndrome and growing pains… except I’m 5ft, I’d stopped growing by then 😂  I accepted what they said because I didn’t feel able to question that or go back to the Dr’s about my constant pain and joint issues 😟 I felt that they tell me they’d investigated and made their diagnosis and I was wasting their time.  I lived on over the counter co-cocodamol. 

Eventually in my 20s I started to go back to the GP to complain about my backache and they prescribed much stronger codeine but they didn’t seem to think this constant, and at times crippling, backache was an issue/unusual or anything that warranted investigation. 

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Type  (EDS HT)

A couple of years ago I decided to start researching causes of joint pain. I was constantly in pain, exhausted and feeling unwell and I’d had enough. I trawled through information comparing my symptoms and discarding possible ailments, nothing seemed to fit. Until I came across Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Type. 

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Type covers so many of my symptoms, from the obvious (wobbly joints) to the obscure (hernias/gastro issues)

EDS is condition which affects your connective tissue, the human body is made up of so much connective tissue – when there’s something wrong with it you know about it. EDS is a systemic disorder, meaning it affects your whole system, from joints to organs.

The first thing that made me consider EDS HT as a relevant diagnosis was the fact that I’m hypermobile and my joints move about too much. Despite being hypermobile I’m not actually that flexible. My muscles, tendons and ligaments have to work so hard to keep my joints in place that I feel very stiff all the time and often feel like I’ve done a massive work out, when I’ve all done is rest. It’s exhausting.

It’s also pretty scary at times too. My joints tend to subluxate which is a partial dislocation. My collar bone is permanently subluxated and can’t be put back – it’s the opposite end to a “normal” dislocated collar bone. Many people with EDS often get full dislocations too. Whilst a subluxation may not sound awful it really hurts. It can happen to any joint – including my neck. That is scary. It doesn’t take any extreme movement or stretch to feel the joints in my neck pull apart – that pain lasts for days and the fear lasts for longer.

With my research and discovery of EDS HT came so many lightbulb moments, the main was that I was born with Bilateral Inguinal Hernias (hernias on both sides of my groin); I had them repaired when I was 5. This type of hernia is very rare in the general population, extremely rare in girls but very common in people with EDS! I would have never my connected my hernias to my joint pains! I kept coming across seemingly random things which were mentioned in relation to EDS HT and thinking “that’s me!”. 

It took quite a while to pluck up the courage to approach my GP about this because it is a rare condition and I thought they would just dismiss me. I spent a long time researching and gathering my symptoms and made a table on Word  (ha ha!), and took that along. The GP was brilliant and referred me to all Rheumatologist without hesitation! The Rheumatologist investigated and has sent me to the specialists in London.

EDS HT also causes chronic fatigue and flu-like symptoms. I often feel like I’m the verge of coming down with something awful. That can be very depressing. Now I know what is causing the fatigue and unwell feeling it has helped me to accept it and not fight myself so much. I used to sit there wondering what was wrong me, getting fed of hearing myself tell my family I didn’t feel well and trying to keep it all to myself, whilst berating myself. I’m still not great at expressing it but at least now I don’t feel like a hypochondriac or that people will just roll their eyes or think I’m making it up. 

(Apologies to actual hypochondriacs, hugs).

There are 6 or 7 types of EDS and you can read more about EDS HT HERE

Ankylosing Spondylitis  (AS)

As part of the EDS investigation the Rheumatologist sent me for a barrage of blood tests and X-rays, one of the blood tests was for a gene called HLA-B27 (snappy, huh?). I’d never heard of this gene but it came back positive. It turns out this gene is linked to a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I had presumed that all of my pains were connected to EDS and it didn’t occur to me that there could be something else wrong, it came as bit of a horrible surprise. 

Ankylosing Spondylitis is a type of autoimmune arthritis affecting the spine, sacroiliac joint, rib cage and tendons (anywhere). It explains the severe pain in have in my sacroiliac joint- I didn’t even know there was a joint there! 

Picture from corewalking.com

AS also causes me awful pain in my heels (plantar fasciitis) because the tendons become inflamed; any of the tendons in my body can become inflamed at any time – joy. I get horrible pains in my rib cage which stop me expanding my rib cage properly and therefore my breathing can be a bit off. 

I have constant – literally non stop- backache. It’s always in my lower back/lumber region but increasingly I’m getting pains further up my spine and into my neck.  

There’s a risk with AS that the spine can fuse and I really don’t want that to happen. I have lost some movement/range in my spine but I don’t know if that’s permanent, I hope not! Stretching helps and I’ve been finding Pilates really good. I like Yoga but that’s not so good for the EDS as it has a tenancy to over extend the joints and obviously that causes issues and pain for me. It’s a juggling act! 

AS also causes extreme chronic fatigue. It’s a wonder I’m ever awake! Ha ha! There was a day recently where I woke up at 11, stayed at wake for about half an hour and then slept all day.  I could not stay awake. I managed to wake up from about 5pm to 7pm but then fell back fast asleep. It’s horrible. I think people must think I’m lazy; I’m shit company and that I have a choice in it. Luckily my husband and family are supportive. 

I’m due to have an MRI on my spine and sacroiliac joints to see how much inflammation/damage there is, I’m nervous about that 😟

I wear a back support and sacroiliac belt to help support my joints and keep them in place. That helps, as does Turmeric! Turmeric is a natural anti-inflammatory and I was sceptical but it does actually work! I can’t take things like ibuprofen due to a stomach ulcer and asthma so a natural alternative that actually works is fantastic! 

You can read more on Ankylosing Spondylitis HERE

Overall I cannot imagine what it is so like to be pain free. I can’t believe that this isn’t normal for everyone, I guess that is partly what caused me to suffer without diagnosis/help for so long. 

I would love to be able to sit or lay down without pain or being hyper-aware of my body, I just can’t imagine it! Instead, I’ll just guzzle a couple more Tramadol and snuggle with my dog 😍 xxx

On Robbie Williams and his hand sanitiser

Ok. I’m tired and in pain, as usual; I didn’t plan on writing a post today but I’m annoyed by media coverage and the public’s reaction, so I don’t know how long or well written this post will be but I need to write it.

The singer Robbie Williams has apparently grimaced and used hand sanitiser after touching the hands of some members of his audience at a show. The media are reporting this a Robbie being disgusted by touching “poor” or “normal” people. 
I’m so pissed off by this reaction in the media and by regular people. So often the same news/media outlets, twitter accounts, Facebook pages etc are telling us “it’s time to talk” ~ don’t be ashamed by mental health issues. Talk about it, raise awareness, don’t judge, be understanding.

And yet, when someone who has talked openly and honestly about his mental health issues outwardly displays behavior which is likely to have been related to those mental health issues he is derided, called names and laughed at. People are calling for the end of his career. 
I’m not a fan of Robbie’s music but I do admire the way he has spoken out about his mental health. I know only too well how my own hands feel at times and if I’d have been in his position I wouldn’t have even been touching all those people. That’s no judgement on the people; the hands are mine. 

So Robbie, thank you for having the strength to use your hand sanitiser and not hide away or be ashamed. 
Please remember that another person’s actions or reactions are not always a reflection or judgement on you. Please be kind.

Just exactly who is #LockedIn…?

This is a blog post written by a friend of mine regarding a very damaging campaign that you may see in your local Tesco. Please read x

the silent wave

The neurotypical population generally tends to perceive those of us on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum as “locked in”.  Locked in what?  Locked in where?  Locked in how?

To hear them talk, you’d think we were stuck in an invisible cage, trying to claw our way out.  And some particular “charity” groups are willing to go so far as to literally lock themselves in glass boxes for 50 hours in order to “prove” their point.

It’s called the “Locked In For Autism” campaign, and it sickens me.  It’s nothing but a cheap, cheesy, and disturbing gimmick.

Yes, that’s right; in a similar spirit as the “Ice Bucket Challenge” of a few years ago to raise awareness about ALS (Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis, AKA Lou Gehrig’s Disease), a UK-based autism “charity” whose name I shall not mention (which smacks of a vibe similar to that of a particular US-based puzzle-piece organization, whose name I…

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Why I Left ABA

I’d like to reblog this post I came across, please read, it’s very important, thanks, Hankie x

Socially Anxious Advocate

Trigger Warning: ABA, ableism, institutionalized child abuse

[Image Description: A bright red door with a brass knob and a faded mail slit. To its left, there is a long, dark windowpane with some decoration and smudges. The door itself has chips in its paint and markings on it, despite the bright color. It is closed, possibly locked.]

When I first became an ABA Therapist, I was thrilled. I was actually going to use my psych degree, get paid more than minimum wage, and above all, make a positive difference in Autistic children’s lives. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

Now I look back, and the year I spent working in ABA is my single greatest regret.

When I left, it wasn’t a decision I made overnight. It was a long, difficult process, full of denial and confusion. I don’t enjoy talking about it because I did so many wrong things that…

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