Ok. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I’ve had to a lot to process and a lot of changes to go through. Generally I’m in a really good place, I reunited with my boyfriend from school and we fell in love (awww 😂), I’ve managed to get a part-time job and whilst it’s hard physically it means that I can feed and insure my pets and pay some rent.
However, right now I’ve got PMT. BAD PMT. I’ve got the rage and anxiety, big time.
Generally my anxiety has massively decreased since I split up with my husband – I didn’t realise quite how bad that relationship was for my mental health, whilst I was in it. I knew it was bad but I just came to think of it as normal. But there was a lot of gaslighting going on and other horrible behaviour.
I’ve had a bad cold this week and that plus my usual chronic illnesses, plus work, plus PMT has made a delightful cocktail of severe grumps and anxiety. Just shoot me.
I keep having nightmares that I’m back with my ex, nothing horrendous happens, it’s just day to day life (my dreams are normally pretty mundane), but it triggers horrible anxiety. All those feelings come flooding back like I’m back there and it’s still going on.
I know I have to break that cycle and not get drawn into the analysis but I’m so resentful that I spent 11 years with someone who was pretending to be someone they weren’t and they were blaming me for that and blaming me for them not being able to do what they wanted to do. I didn’t ask him to lie about who or what he was – he did that. He did it with the intention of getting me. But why? What is the point? He clearly wasn’t happy so what is the point? I don’t understand people.
I feel so angry that he duped me. So angry that he wasted my time. I could have had babies, or at least have been with someone who wanted them too and/or was honest about what they wanted. So angry that he was so horrible to me and would scream horrible, angry things at me and use everyone single one of my vulnerabilities against me. I didn’t deserve that.
There was a really traumatic incident that happened to him fairly early on in our relationship that affected us both badly and I feel that he would use that trauma to excuse some of his behaviours and because he knew I wouldn’t leave him if it was trauma related.
I know these emotions aren’t good for me and they aren’t serving any positive intention, I know I have to let them go but I’m struggling to know how to. Generally I’m in a really good place, my relationship is healthy, open and honest and I’ve speaking to him about all of this; it’s just that right now the hormone monster has a grip of me. I’m hoping that getting this out here will be cathartic and help me shed the dread 🤪